Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
