I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
