well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
