Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
