Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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