I can text with my tongue
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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