I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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