So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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