She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
