He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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