opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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