Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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