I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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