How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
