It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You need a sexual gate keeper
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
