Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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