fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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