We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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