Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
