i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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