Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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