So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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