it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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