Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
