I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
