I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
