Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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