I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
