Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
