im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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