She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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