Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
