So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
