i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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