She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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