You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
