You made me cry and you don't even care
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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