How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
