Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize