there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
