well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
