yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize