also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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the gays at disneyland are vicious
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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