I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
