you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
