he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
