I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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