I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
