I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
