SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
