Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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